Hi guys, was wondering if you could look over this for me...

[Deadlyninjas]

yeah, in my English class we were told to write a short story, and I was wondering if you could look over mine and tell me what you think! it's not done yet but I'll post what I have so far :

After a long day at work, Charles Rolcom unlocked the door to his shabby little apartment in downtown Manhattan. Charles was an interesting man, tall and sturdy like a tree. He would have been the perfect football player were it not for his career as a homicide detective. Charles was an intelligent man, he could sense when something was wrong, and he had a keen ability to inspect every detail and could look at things in many perspectives. Once he came into his apartment, he looked for something to nourish his hunger. After having his fill of a half-eaten sub sandwich, he turned on his television so he could relax. He was watching the news, the reporter sounded grim, “The body of a young woman was found in a bathroom in a local shopping mall. The legs and arms had apparently been cut off, leaving only the head and the torso. Investigators say it is the body of 36-year-old Linda Matthews; she worked as a nurse for Dr. Sanchez V. Liston who runs an emergency clinic on South Avenue. But there is yet another twist to this surprising story, the victim also had 4 stab wounds each one completely severing a major artery in her torso. The killer had obviously known what he was doing to be able to locate exactly where each artery was. But perhaps the most shocking thing about this heinous crime is that there was absolutely no blood anywhere at the crime scene, investigators say it is impossible to explain. On a much lighter note—” Charles turned off the television. He knew that he would have to begin researching the crime in the morning, so he quickly brushed his teeth and got ready for bed.
“Walter, do you have the info on Linda Mathews I asked for?” Charles asked his assistant. “Right here sir, her childhood, her family, date of birth, everything but the kitchen sink.” His assistant said. “Great, thanks.” Charles took the portfolio of Linda Mathews into his office. He began with her childhood: “Hmm…born June 3rd, 1970. Parents are Marcos and Jennifer Mathews. She went to a medical school in Indiana. Wait…here’s something, her previous employers worked at a mortuary, an organ donation center, and a blood bank. This girl really liked death.” “Walter, get me the profile of Dr. Sanchez V. Liston. Got it?” “Yes sir” he replied. “While he does that”—Charles thought to himself—“I’m going to go talk to her parents.” “She was such a nice girl. I don’t know why anyone would want to do such a horrible thing to my girl.” Jennifer Mathews said. “She always was trying to do the right thing. The only thing bad about her was that she was very inquisitive.” “Tell me, what made her decide to leave her old jobs?” Charles asked. “All of her employers said that she was asking too many questions about the business, even Dr. Liston said that.” Marcos said. “Tell me”—Said Charles—“what kind of questions was she asking?” “Most of the time, she was asking about how the business stayed open even when they didn’t have any clients” Marcos said.” “Okay, thank you for your time; I hope I didn’t disturb you.” Said Charles. “I want you to find the killer, lock him away forever. Make sure he never comes out again.” Marcos replied. “I’ll do my best.” The day was rather long and boring for Charles after that; he hadn’t gotten any leads, and there was a pile of paperwork waiting for Charles back at his office.
It was two-thirty in the morning when the telephone rang. Charles sleepily got out of bed to answer it. “Hello?” Charles said. “Charles Rolcom?” The woman on the other line sounded stressed. “This is he. What’s the problem? ” Charles answered back. “Charles, this is Bethany Stouhl down at the Manhattan General Hospital, and I’m afraid I have some terrible news.” “What happened? Is something wrong?” Charles began to sound frantic. His heart was beating faster, and he began to wonder what the hospital could be calling him about this early in the morning. “It’s your sister”—Bethany replied—“She’s been in a car accident, it was a head-on collision, the other driver was doing 80. Its bad, she’s in the emergency room, I suggest you come over here right away.” “I’m on my way!” Charles hurriedly put on his usual attire and raced to the hospital.



PerfectStranger I'm lookin' at you. criticism, raves, reviews please! please tell me what you think.

[Deadlyninjas]

I was also wondering what the rarest blood type was

[piemaster]

http://www.bloodbook.com/rare-chart.html
i have no clue how to read that chart, but it has some rare types.

[Deadlyninjas]

what do you think of my story? oh, I think in terms of rarity, it says how many people have donated, and you can infer that by the number of doners whether or not it is rare. just a guess of course

[boomheadshot45]

damn thats good, give me rest i'm craving more, but if any of your friends are xbox 360 gamers it may remond them of condemed criminal orgins but its good. very good!

[toxicity57]

Originally Posted by Choco_latte

I was also wondering what the rarest blood type was

AB Negative

http://www.lifesouth.org/donorservic...od_%20type.htm

Originally Posted by boomheadshot45

damn thats good,

[slapthemonkey55]

That's not bad at all, man. Especially for something just cooked up in class.

I am a certified English teacher, so if you want me to look it over when you're done, PM it to me and I would be more than happy to.

[Deadlyninjas]

you guys like it? great when I finish it I'll post the rest

[ImOnAPlain51]

Sounds like we got us a regular Bill Shakespeare here.

Pretty intriguing story there Choco...will be waiting for the rest!

[boomheadshot45]

hurry type the rest fast come on.........!

[Deadlyninjas]

should I ruin it and tell you the rest of the story? to be, or not to be, that is the question.

[Deadlyninjas]

here's the next little tidbit of my story because Boom begged for it:

“Doctor! How is she?” Charles huffed; he was out of breath after running up two flights of stairs. “She’s in critical condition.” “Is she going to be alright?” “We don’t know, she lost a lot of blood and most of her bones are broken. She also has several hemorrhages in her brain. As far as we know, every minute that passes could be her last.” “Blood, how much blood does she need?” “She lost almost all of it, unfortunately we just ran out of AB negative type blood, but we just called the only blood bank that was open, and they said they just got a new shipment of AB negative."

[Deadlyninjas]

I'm rationing my story out to you guys to build the tension. any guesses on why Linda Mathews died? this is going to be fun any predictions? based on what I've written so far.

[ImOnAPlain51]

Is this going to be a novel, bc i can't take reading 4 lines at a time if its going to be 500 pages when your done with it...

[Deadlyninjas]

no its just a short story that we're supposed to do for my English class. but I'll post it to you as it progresses, what you just read was what I have so far. also what you read was spanning like 3 and a half pages (double spaced). any guesses on what the conclusion might be?