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Jokes R Us

post #1 of 213
5/1/06 at 10:30pm
Thread Starter 
you got a joke come on in and post it from all kinds of jokes to pg 13
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post #2 of 213
5/1/06 at 10:33pm
Thread Starter 
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife."
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post #3 of 213
5/1/06 at 10:38pm
Thread Starter 
If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer

If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on "find".

We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.

To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".

Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.

To undo a mistake, click on "back".

If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
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post #4 of 213
5/1/06 at 10:47pm
Thread Starter 
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
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post #5 of 213
5/2/06 at 4:44pm
c'mon man! put some of you're grade A stuff in
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post #6 of 213
5/2/06 at 5:03pm
i thought that greasy box one was getting close to R-rated. lets leave it at no NC-17
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post #7 of 213
5/2/06 at 5:05pm
that one was pretty funny but yea, try to keep it safe as there are children under 18 here...
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post #8 of 213
5/2/06 at 6:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by chode messiah
i thought that greasy box one was getting close to R-rated. lets leave it at no NC-17

...I told that to a lot of my friends.
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post #9 of 213
5/2/06 at 6:18pm
Thread Starter 
hello all
whats going on
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post #10 of 213
5/2/06 at 6:19pm
Thread Starter 
are you ready to get your jokes on
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post #11 of 213
5/2/06 at 6:21pm
Hey SGT...not much, how's it goin?
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post #12 of 213
5/2/06 at 6:25pm
Thread Starter 
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
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post #13 of 213
5/2/06 at 6:26pm
Thread Starter 
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
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post #14 of 213
5/2/06 at 6:35pm
Thread Starter 

Can people really be this stupid?

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.
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post #15 of 213
5/2/06 at 6:36pm
Thread Starter 
its going good any you
plain51
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post #16 of 213
5/2/06 at 6:37pm
Whats Bruce Lee's favorite drink?




WAA-TAAR!!!!
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post #17 of 213
5/2/06 at 6:39pm
Thread Starter 
just doing my joke thing i think some of my joke piss some ppl off witch i dont mean too
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post #18 of 213
5/2/06 at 6:40pm
Thread Starter 
good one gun
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post #19 of 213
5/2/06 at 6:43pm
Thread Starter 

How to be annoying

1. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others
that you "like it that way."


2. Drum on every available surface.


3. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.


4. Staple papers in the middle of the page.


5. Ask 800 operators for dates.


6. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.


7. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.


8. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.


9. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."


10. Set alarms for random times.
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post #20 of 213
5/2/06 at 6:48pm
Thread Starter 

Bathroom Sayings

Here I sit, in the hall of vapors.
Some darn fool done stole the papers.
The bell has rung I must not linger.
Look out ass here comes my finger.
Found printed on a condom machine.
"This is the worst chewing-gum I have ever ate!"

Seen written on a stall in a men's bathroom:
"My wife follows me everywhere."
Written just below it:
"I do not."

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink.
I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the writing on the walls.
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