Jokes R Us - Page 2

Greeting Cards You Will Never See in the Hallmark Store

1. Front: I heard you have gone deaf.
Inside: I'll bet you didn't.
2. Front: I'm sorry to hear you have gone blind.
Inside: See you later, you ****ing bastard!
3. Front: I'm sorry to hear you are brain dead.
Inside: It's really not that bad when you think about it.
4. Front: My sympathies on the last of your father's teeth falling out.
Inside: Well, dadgummit!
5. Front: My condolences on the loss of your arms.
Inside: Write back soon!
6. Front: I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease.
Inside: I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease.
7. Front: I heard that you were very sick.
Inside: I hope that you die painlessly.
8. Front: I heard you were dead.
Inside: I hope it was painless.
9. Front: I heard your whole family got shot.
Inside: So I turned up the volume on the stereo.
10. Front: Congratulations on your first period!
Inside: Let's go out and paint the town red!

30 Things to Ponder or make you go uhmmmm

1. Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
2. Why do you have a hot-water heater when you dont need to heat hot water?
3. Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?
4. Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?
5. What do they pack styrofoam in?
6. Why did God give men nipples?
7. If buttered toast always lands butter-side down, and a cat always lands
on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on
the back of a cat?
8. Is grass really greener on the other side?
9. Do boxer shorts box?
10. Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
11. If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from?
12. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
13. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?
14. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
15. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
16. Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
17. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
18. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
19. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
20. How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?
21. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?
22. If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
23. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights,
what happens?
24. You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else?"
25. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
26. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
27. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
28. Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn
the radio down?
29. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
30. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Letters you dont want to get back from Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in
the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the
song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa

thank you all for looking at my jokes let me know or what you think you get leave your name and a short message after the beep "BEEP"

Going Fishing

A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend ans says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The girlfriend says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

10 reasons computers must be Males

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

A husband returns home to find his wife in bed with a naked man. “what are you doing”, he shouts. The wife replies to her lover: “I told you he was stupid!”.

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife knocking on the front door who would you let in first?
The dog. at least he would shut up once he is in.

First year of marriage: the man speaks, the woman listens.
Second year: the woman speaks, the man listens.
Third year: they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Wife: “I just lost ten pounds!”
Husband: “Turn around, I think I found them”.

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.