No offense here, Sometimes I'm scared too... Let's try with some humor..
HERE WE GOOO!!!
The SARS-infected notebook handbook.
1st STEP: The arrival.
UPS rings the bell, you open the door, sign all the papers and collect the box. WROONG!!!! GO SUICIDE 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALREADY BEEN INFECTED!!! Please remeber that we're dealing with serious stuff and every action must be planned carefully.
Go buy a C1-biomedical antiviral suit complete with filters and autonomous respiration system. Make sure you have a superglue fighting rifle (you should get some in the military, they're testing them) and a box of clean, unused pens (do not use pencils!!) and a camuflage unit at your disposal. Now: the trick is to get the box BEFORE it arrives home. You should settle in a dark spot and wait for the UPS guy to arrive. Be careful tough, timing is essential and you can't simply afford to make mistakes. You have to stay hidden there UNTIL the ups arrives. No eating, no drinking, no sleeping. Let's hope the notebook arrives soon. Supposed you're still alive, you now have to immobilize the ups guy as soon as he's got your box (don't do that before or you won't probably be able to find the box yourself and you don't have to take the risk neither (imagine tons of SARS infected parcels in the van.. you won't stand a minute in there)) NOW QUICK!!! glue the guy to the van with your superglue firing rifle!!! ok. Now carefully take the box from is hands and place it carefully on the ground, take ONE of the pen from the box you should have at hand. If the pen doesn't work, try the next one. IS ESSENTIAL THAT YOU DON'T GO BACK HOME to take a working pen. Be sure to have lots of them. Here comes the dangerous part. You have to take the papers from the UPS guy pocket without being infected. Be careful it won't go without a fight. When you have the paper, carefully sign it with the pen, and try to put the signed receipt into the guy's pocket. Ok. OFF you go then. Take the box and run away. Leave the UPS guy to his destiny, with all the infected parcels he has he's probably already a walking dead man.
2nd STEP: The box.
DON'T TAKE OFF YOUR SUIT!!! Get into a secure, disposable place (better if not yours) that should be sealed and have closed window and doors. Make sure no air comes out of that place. If none suitable, go for a garage. Make sure the place is almost empty of valuable objects and you have a table, an outlet or other mean of electricity, another good thing should be to have some duct-tape, just to be sure not to have contaminating agent coming out of corroded frames or broken windows, and a cutter. We'll call this place "CA1" (Contaminated area 1). No get into CA1 with your box. Remember the place sould be sealed BEFORE you enter. IF you do when the parcel is already inside, you would probably be responsable for a future mass extinction of man kind. So beware!! the difference between failure and success lies in the details. Place the parcel in the exact center of the room, this is to provide the maximum distance between the contaminating agent and the containing frame (walls). Take the cutter. Open the box with a firm and clear movement. We don't want shreds of contaminated material all over the place so be firm and fast.
3rd STEP: The opening
You have to open the box. I know it sounds rude and you would probably would like to be thousands miles away in one of those marvelous places you saw at the travel agent but NO. YOU have to deal with it. IT'S YOU AND IT. AND YOU CAN DO IT! YEESS, I CAN SEE YOUR FACE NOW!! I CAN SEE YOUR GLOVED HANDS REACHING FOR THE OPENING! YESS!!!! DO IT!!!
4th STEP: The inside
Ok. You were brave. AS the going gets tough, the toughs get going. You have to look inside. Carefully. What do you see?
PACKAGING MATERIAL ALL OVER THE PLACE!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!! That was close. It would be more difficult than originally planned. I know it's hard, but you have to go back there. Yes. and you have to take your laptop away from that mess. You can do it. You are prepared, you have the suit, you have nothing to fear. Go back and do it. Take the notebook out of the box, cut off all the package you can see and place it in a safe place, but not too near the walls. Leave all the rest in the box. Manuals, Cds, everything. There's nothing you can do with'em as they're already powerful weapons of mass destruction. Close the box. Relax. It's all right.
5th STEP: The laptop
We have to be fast now. As it's a lot to be done yet. Now we have to take a great assumption. We'll take for granted that the sARS virus doesn't withstand high temperatures. Therefore you have to turn that lappy on. Simple as that. You know laptops today are probably the most powerhungry, heat generating devices taht mankind has ever invented. So that should be it. Attach the cord to the outlet. Turn on the beast.
WATCH OUT! don't be in front of one of the ventilation holes or you'll be killed by the shockwave of hot contaminated air coming from the inside. Here we go. Now come the difficult part. The laptop needs to run at full heat for more than 6 hours in order to get rid of the contaminating virus. I know I should have told you before, but hey, where's the fun without a little surprise or two? So you have to keep it going. If you knew you'd probably taken Doom3 CD with you and played for 6 hours non-stop. But it won't be that easy. You have to go MIcrosoft solitaire. It's SAD, really sad i know, but since you have gone this far, you can't go back right now. Turn off all those battery saving features (what's the use fo them anyway) and launch that application NOW!!!! Don't worry though, just after half an hour of play WInXP would miserably crash upon you, and it would take you the other 5.5 hours to get it working again (be sure not to forget some HD scans and some defragmentation... this is highly reccomended if you want the "heat operation" to go straightfully).
6th STEP: Finishing
6 hours are gone and your notebook is safe now. Take a clean plastic bag now (what did I forget to mention that? Too bad!!! you have to start all over again!!) and put the notebook inside. Don't worry, the notebook would stay hot enough for the following hours taking care of the remaining viruses that might have got into and outside the bag.
You have to go now. Open the door and place the notebook outside. Now you have to carefully get rid of the protection suit and LEAVE it inside the CA1. I know it sounds difficult but basicly you have to get naked just in front of the door. Be sure not to touch the outside of the suit with your bare skin or you're dead in the water. OK. Now get your clean clothes. What? never heard of any? Never told you? Well, that's supposed to be one of those susrpises meant to cheer you up a little. NO! YOU CAN'T GO BACK TO YOUR HOUSE. THERE'S NO TIME. You have to find approx 20 liters of gasoline. Do the maths, make the conversion you need and go for it. (I'm sure any gas station would be happy to provied 20 liters of gasoline to a naked man without any money) Then go back. Use the gasoline on AC1, be sure to have every spot and every angle covered. Take a lighter (or some mean of fire. You can do it yourself if you like if you can find two stick and rub them together) Now before you set all to fire we have to go to the next step.
7th STEP: Checklist
Don't screw up on me. It has to be done and done right, son.
1) Are you ouside AC1?
2) Is the notebook outside AC1?
3) Did you complete all the steps from 1 to 6 accordingly?
4) Is everything that came in the box (exept the notebook) inside AC1?
5) Was you protection suit intact when you last checked it?
6) have you left the pens in AC1? (very important, pens tends to stick anywhere, check your naked body for one just to be sure)
If everything is just fine, then you can set on fire AC1. Be sure not to be donwwind, or you can possibly contaminate yourself or simply be burned up.
Watch AC1 as it disintegrates. Be cheerful, you did it!
That's it. now, if I were in your shoes, I would RUN LIKE HELL out of that place. Think carefully: you have glued to a van a poor man doing its job, you've probably scared all the kids in the neighborhood running in a lord-vader-like suit, you scared the rest of the city running naked and asking for gasoline and two sticks, you set afire you neighbor garage and you're standing in the middle of its parkway completely naked, bruised and with a plastic bag in your hands. If this is not a reason to flee, I don't know what.
Congratulations, you now have your virus-free, notebook!!